可不可以爱我 by 卢学叡

为什么如此的安静

为什么明明想靠近 却还在迟疑

努力的我保持镇定 努力开拓话题

最后却溃不成军

为什么如此的美丽

深刻的烙在心里 最温柔的酷刑

每一天无法不想你

连闭上眼睛 怎么都是你

你可不可以爱我 可不可以想我

虽然我对自己没有一点的把握

别害怕我难过

告诉我你真实的感受

至少忐忑能告一段落

你可不可以爱我 可不可以看我

反正看或不看 我依然失魂落魄

成全不是美德 拒绝也不是一种罪过

你能给我 快乐还是寂寞

facing the friendship chart in front of me, a bunch of don't-know-when-last-washed shoes on my left, my COSY bed on my right, and a flat white wall behind me. Where am i? Yeah~~ J1323, alone, literally. It seems that i am the first to come back to a dusty, and humid unit in J Block. Well~~~ at least i got the internet. *smirk* Have lots to do yet. Refill water, refill my stomach, and then MY BRAIN. Trials in 1 week and i was like wtf-ed. Got D for my P3 =D *smile* mathematics is the hardest subject of all as you will never get questions like 1+1=? rather, it's a+b=? *how else would i know* Go and ask the Prophet =p *smile* Yearns for a McChicken now. see ya =p

I am back ^^

Stealing a moment in the morning to blog. Yeah, i am. though i may not have updated anything for so long. But now, yeah i am. =D15 minutes more to rush for a bus. On second thought, it's worth reminiscing the many many months that i underwent. Gotten my results, and surprisingly and unexpectedly, a 4 flat. In this context, a real 4 flat for my AS result. Sounds funny yet intriguing since i have been playing the whole 2 semester and by Lady Luck's blessing, i am here today =D Apart of that, my life is so dull. No more football, misses KLT, yearning the gathering we had before. Of course, i have learnt the way that the Sun still rise, the Earth still revolve no matter how bad my situation is. Learnt the way of accepting weaknesses and embracing with love. ^^ Kudos to everyone that have succeeded in life and for those who haven't, do not ever feel down as there's always a better tomorrow ^^

Lost and Found?

it's been so long since i blogged. Been through a lot, enjoy a lot, and learnt a lot too. I remember i lost my handphone once, left in the bus. i panicky searched high and low for it, but still nowhere to be found. frustrated enough, i called the bus driver, and luckily, it was there, on the chair~ ^^ but life does not always so smooth and fate does not go with your liking. This is only one of the rarest example where you could find what you have lost. things lost are usually remain lost. Sometimes, no matter how hard you tried, how deep u resent, how regretful you are, you cannot changed the fact that those things are lost, for ever. It's like when you are driving a car through a distance, as you go on, the petrol is going to be depleted. And then, you have to refill it. But ask yourself will the petrol totally the same as the one u have used and LOST? no, things don't go like that, the world doesn't revolve around you, that's such a selfish act. It's not like a child throwing a tantrum, push away his favourite dog yesterday, and play with it today just because he want to. It's just a waste of time to think like that. Doesn't the dog have the slightest feeling at all just because you, the Homo sapien, thought you are superior than a dog? It is him who do not want the company of the dog at first, so why regret that if one day the dog just get fed up and go away? Doesn't dog have his own pride? If regret over something can change a thing in this world, the only i regret is that i do not handle things well enough, such as that i do not handle my handphone well. So all in all, life is just not about gaining or losing, it's just all about learning something and never do it again ^^

AS AS AS AS~~~

AS in 2 more days and i am here, stealing a moment from revising mathematics and biology, to blog. It's been a long time since i last blog, so it's time to catch up some of the recent info. First of all, nothing new, the long-awaited AS exam is on the way. JPA requirement is not high, but of course, it's not easy for intermediate level of me xD been playing around and now revising everything in the very last minute. Hope can get 4A flat. ^^ Second on the list would be, maybe most of you haven't know yet, my whole family is moving up to somewhere in KL, which also means i won't be back to BP as frequent anymore. =( kind of sad as i hafta leave behind everything that i am familiar for the last 18 years. New life here ^^ However, that also means i would have the chance to go back home every weekend next time ^^ provided i know the public transportation to the new house xD Don't jealous ya =p haha~ 

I think that's all for now, really lazy to blog anyway~~~ wish me luck in my AS ya ^^ thanks =p

i am not insane ~~~

String theory basically states that all objects including everything on Earth is made up of atoms. And as we know, atoms are made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. What's made them then? Quarks. Then, what happen when we sliced up a quarks? Energy. But as complicated as it may seems, we do know by physics and chemistry that energy is just an abstract thing human use to define the feeling we felt when being touched and is always in calculation form. You can never really see energy right? or is that you haven't discovered it? Let's say, energy made up the quarks and quarks made everything on the Earth, the notebook you are using now, the book you are reading... But if it is so, then we can say Energy=Quarks=Atoms. Then, we do know that energy is everything. But of our science understanding (or that my understanding in science is too shallow) since energy is abstract, then how come now whatever we are seeing now is so concrete if everything is made up of the abstract - energy?

If you already understand the concept, then let's apply to human's lives. If all atoms are unreal, then what are us? You may feel unacceptable now. Then maybe you might as well close this window now as the rest of the concept are going to make you mad if broad-minded is not your choice ^^ By string theory and M-theory, there are, on calculation, 10 or 11 dimensions in the universe. I myself believe in the 23 dimensions. But as we know, a straight line is 1D, x and y axis means 2D, then we are 3D. Then where is the 4th and so on? Einstein   proposed the 4th dimensions should be the time. But regardless of anything, we, 3D could see things in 3D to 1D. So, could we said that there are other people in 4D could see us too but we cannot see them otherwise? It's worth the thinking~

Back to the topic again, if i said we all all nothing since all of us are made up of energy which is abstract, then what are us? Remember how the Big Bang theory explained? The explosion of a high-energy atom that exploded and keep expanding, creating new planets on the edge of it's expansion. And so prokaryotes evolved due to favourable conditions, and so after billions of years, here we are. That's yet another theory - Darwin's theory of evolution, which i will just skip it. So, now the Universe is sill expanding and expanding. But as we know, every atom will exert a gravitational force on another atom. Something like that in basic. So, now when new planets are formed, more atoms are formed. There will be one day that the sum of all the gravitational pull > expansion force. So the Universe will undergoes shrinking and back to the origin point again. 

Yet again, what i am going to say is that if all of these things are unreal, then why are humans always pursuing things that never existed? What should be the last thing on our mind when we breathe last? We were born, study, get a job, work hard to build a family, earn as much money as we can and then we are on the edge of our life. If we think like that, aren't humans are the one who always creating complications and then try to simplify everything? First of all, are there words in the basis world? Human created it. Are alphabets even existed if no human made it in the first place? What is time? Is time existed too? time is also the after-effect of human to explain the nature since by definition, time is the 1/3.8x10^8 of the speed of light. And yet again, what is light? Light is made up of photons. Yet again, all in all, everything is just the abstract - energy. If it is so, why are human still so obstinate to try to conspire even to the extent of harming other human beings' just for thee sake of own benefits? Aren't they only pursuing the unreal? Even if they really do get the things that they want, is it even the real thing in the first place? 

色即是空，空既是色. Buddha saying by the way. It means everything that exist is actually nothing, and nothing is also everything that existed. Doesn't this sychronized with all the research human had done? 

In the end, ask yourself, who should be the cause of everything that happen? i could only answer, you will know when you reached that stage of life ^^ haha~

@_@

Am running away recently. Changed to another class just to avoid everything else. Madam did told me that by doing this is going to arose everyone's curiosity and gossips will start. I said, 'Undeniable'. And so, i get the change. But why am i so still so stress now? Guess i haven't think myself out of the damn box. *sigh* I know i am the one in the wrong all the while. But now, i am still discontented with the accusation of me being selfish by changing class. Am i always so selfish all along? To what extent should i sacrificed and endured would i be said i am not selfish? I am changing class so that i can concentrate in the lecture... am i wrong? i am selfish just because i want to set my mind to study? and even the accusation of i am making the problem worsened... am i? i thought we have sorted everything out that time. I ask for forgiveness and got denied. I ask for time to control my emotion and yet i was forbidden even to the extent not being your friend anymore. And now, i want to leave everything else and leave to restart my study life, i am selfish again? i always believe a man should give in and compromise to a girl. Yet again, what obligations do the society gave to girls? none. Is it that i must endure my partially concentration in class and get a low grade so that i am generous? If you have really think on my side, nothing of all these words would ever come out =( i am selfish even though i have been enduring this feeling for months and respecting your decision. Yet all i got is just all the accusations and hurting comments from everyone. If madam were to ask me again the same question, i think i will just reply, "Unbearable". All i want is just your understanding and nought is what i have gotten so far. Always reminding myself studying is the priority, but with all these, how am i going to ever concentrate? =( Fine then, since to you, i am always the bad guy, the irresponsible, the selfish, the childish guy anyway.... i just need to let off my steam that has been undermined for so long.... So long as you are happy, fine then.....

CNY ^^

jingle bell jingle bell jingle all the way~~ >.< sorry, wrong song... purposely. In BP now. Have reunion with my family after about three months already. Last reunion is when my brothers' had their weddings ^^ Feel delightful and happy. And of course not to forget the most traditional things in chinese culture - angpau.*$_$* tomorrow am going out with my buddies to 'bai nian' Planned to tour the whole BP and visit all the friends. *smile* Got an invitation for this saturday's gathering for King Scouts. Don't know should i go or not >.< *sigh* By the way, my phone is getting weird lately and i decided to really change it after 2 years of relying on this K660. Considering nokia 5570 now~ *smile* just hope my angpaus can cover all the expenses. Till then ^^

on coming back to hometown ...

had to sort out everything before CNY that's what i thought. Misunderstanding or not. I am referring to what maybe most of you knew, so i am not going to explain any further. Especially when umair keep grumbling of how emo i have been these few months. i do admit that since been on emotional swing recently which i don't think it will repeat again. J1323 had a brudder's meeting to sort out everything. Had a midnight long meeting though. *sleepy* All in all, misunderstandings happened and we promised nothing of this sort would happen again. No one been always deliberately left out and no one had been deliberately plotting. just glad that everything went back to normal. At least all of us could have a better CNY this year ^^

p.s. the last thing you want on this earth is when doubts arise from the person you still love or like. Time will heal is just a big lie by saints ^^ *smile* i guess i should really get over my own barrier and live on ^^ 

Zoo Negara Community Service~

It's been a long time since i last blog and now i am in a blog debt. Last week, we went for National Zoo, not for visit, rather it's 'supposed' to be a charity event. The reason why i stressed on that supposed is because practically, i don't think i have been of any much help to the zoo anyway. Maybe it's just for my group. In the morning, we helped to wash the cage of monkeys, and i was to pick up all the bananas' skin, ended up picking something that is soft, which i thought it is some banana's skin, and which it is not. Not going to describe in a detail way. *sweat* It's just softy to touch. *Laugh* Other than that, we ... were asked to go for the show as the person-in-charge there didn't know anything else for us to do. And so we went for the 'Multi-Animal Show'. Lunch. Went for a real visit to the zoo. Watched a lot of things, including some intimate moments of some animals if you wondered. Basically, really did nothing or helped much in the zoo. Had our group photographs and off we went back home. *smile* All in all, we had a very good time together. Kudos to Cresendo ^^

mixed up everything and you get nought

Just had a short badminton game with my roommate. Insisting him to play in the rain. Right, it's drizzling. Somehow, i like the feeling of fighting against the winds. Put all my energy in that blow, and off the shuttlecock went, against the flow. I smashed it for the last time....

Applied to my sentiment in life also. Putting all my effort against all odds. However, no matter how hard i tried to smash the shuttlecock into place, it went off way. I am it. Getting pushed over and smashed at. Never ever reach the other end of the court. Blew off course and went back to the initial point. I really tried to reach the other end and get off the initial point, flying across the net, forgoing the court behind. Nonetheless, whenever i flew up into the sky, wind of knaveries knock me off. It do seems that i always scored my own court and not the opponent. I am bad. I wondered why are there such things in this world that always try their way to blow the world upside down. This to that, that to those, those to everything. Changes everything to their own benefit. I guess it applied to every form of life. You don't have to make appointment with troubles, they find you and that's it. Looks like i still haven't learn the way of life. The way of life that condemn you for everything. Defend yourself by making the shuttlecock's head sharp, then only will you reach the other end.

... So now, the wind wins and i am back to my initial point once again...

Dropped, i knocked onto the floor,

this time so hard that i can hardly breathe,

disappointed for putting trust,

and all the so-called statement,

as tiny as i am,

looking up into the sky,

reaching my hand for it,

for i know i never will.

Somehow i know one day i will read back what i have written here and laughed at my stupidity... *smile*

End of Jan~ Beginning of a new outlook~

A blink of eye, *swoosh* January is almost gone. In fact, it's much more faster than what could be expected. Been really striving hard to study - at least better as compared to the previous semester. Spirit has once again embraced me. Biology AS should be okay ( i wouldn't use the phrase ' no problem' as Confidence still keep me at bay) Chemistry ; same old stories, my worst subjects of all. Last weekend went for ice-skating with my friend.  *smile* kinda fun, either the time spent or that i have learnt to love the feeling of frictionless. Ate sushi after that. Like that sashimi. A few days back, one of my coursemate aka my cikgu, gave me a note about all the alphabet in japanese. i am surprised of course. I know i did joke to her about my wanting to learn japanese, and she is serious about that. ^^ but anyway, i am currently taking up japanese as my foreign language. No harm learning another language right? 

Opsie... keep blogging till i have forgotten all about my chemistry test tomorrow. A2 syllabus though. One word. Hard. Oh, just remember~ today i have gotten back my result for last semester final result. 1 A out of 4 subjects, 2 if you want to consider Malaysian Studies as one subject. [ this shows how patriotic i am] =.= Only get an A for Biology. Maths and Physics all B, and what further saddened me is that my Chemistry is just a C. Couldn't blame anyone but myself. Result of over-indulging myself in entertainment. Overall, it's 13/15 marks. [calculation make using 3 best subjects]. Passed JPA minimum requirement of 12/15 but it's a close shave. Real close. Hafta pick myself up again and continue my journey in search of Confidence, accompanying by Spirit now - as always, in the past. ^^

random post out of BORINGNESS~

Weekend once again. A boring one. It's been a long time since i last posted something here. Real long. Guess i am just too busy or just too lazy to update. Anyway, everything stays the same. No much changes. Except that if you count the incident when i was late for the IELTS first class as one. *Smirk* 

*Sigh* Things don't turn out what it were to be. Didn't really have any improvement in studies. Finalize a lot of decisions that were to be made which i only make now. 

Decided to use proper English in my blog. 

Decided to stay back in college's library till 5.40 everyday. 

Decided to really strive for top academic award ( which i haven't started just yet) 

Decided to let everything follows the flow of fate ( which i denied last time ) 

Decided to really hold on to what i believed i could do

Decided to have faith in my own ambition last time ( dedicated medical student)

Decided to not let my family down 

Decided to finish all AS syllabus by this month ( extended to before CNY )

Decided to pay a visit to my teachers during secondary years if time allowed for that

Decided to really stop crapping here and start my Biology

Decided to really have to stop now

and seriously stopping now~

MSU advertisement in FB~~~

nice phrase =p haha~

2010~~~ sayanora 2009 and arigatou~~ ^^

So~~ now i am back in batu pahat, after a long way sitting in that steaming SE Super bus >.< the air-conditioner broke down, and we hafta wait for the mechanic to fix it in the seremban bus station. But before reaching seremban, i am already a toasted gingerbread xD haha~ 5 hours in all, the journey. 9am bus, but 2pm only reach here HAIZ..... anyway, after that, had my first proper meal of year 2010 in Rengit Kopitiam with my friends =) window-shop around Summit and BP Mall xD quite happy though =p though in the end i owe them one meal after a bad gamble. Haha~~ By the way, it's new year arriving. So i must have new vision xD first would be finding back my studying mood... gone for long and i think now it's the time for the mood to come back... cannot letting myself nor others down right? ^^ next would be working hard and aim for 'Top of The World Academic Award' for the four subjects [p.s. it's just an aim to motivate myself though i know the possibility of me getting it is low =p] next on the to-do list is to forget all the unhappy past and look forward for the future ^^

~~~ StUdY sTuDy StUdY ~~~